Cricket Cemetery goes to the movies: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I’m sure Denman will make fun of me for doing a review of the new Transformers. That’s fine. I’m not perfect. As a human, I am flawed. Ideals and beliefs swimming around in my head. Some of these I live my life by.. some I choose to ignore at certain times. I will be the first to admit when I’m wrong, but I WILL NOT apologize for the following things: EXPLOSIONS. IMPLODING PLANETS. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. JOHN MALCOVICH. A WORM LIKE DECEPTICON THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL FIELD THAT EATS BUILDINGS. PORTALS. ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. AND KEN JEONG!

Dark of the Moon shocked me. It was so good I didn’t even realize it was over 2 and a half hours. 2 hours and 37 minutes to be exact. I’m not sure if it was the cocktail of drugs, or the amazing company (Pat and Jordan! I love you guys so much!) or the sense of accomplishment after kicking the shit out of this weekend but I thuroughly enjoyed Dark of the Moon. It was real good. Much darker than the previous films in the series. Shit is fucked in this one. Great story (especially for a movie about action figures). Amazing cast, including the best group of cameos I’ve seen in a hot minute. Great locations.. DC!(HOLLER) Chicago, Africa… THE MOON! I love the moon. I wonder how they filmed on the moon… (just kidding).

Let me start off by saying that Shia LaBeof really bothers me. I really don’t want to like him. I tried really hard tonight to not like him, but that fucker got me. He’s totally tolerable in this movie. I’ll even go as far as to say he did a good job. There were some moments that had me laughing out loud. Rosie Huntington Whitely plays Sam’s (Shia) girlfriend, Carly. She’s a very attractive woman, to say the least. There are some hilarious moments between the two of them and Patrick Dempsey, who plays her extremely wealthy and anger inducing boss, Dylan. I think we can all relate to the feeling of intense jealous rage. The amount of comedy in this movie was very surprising. There’s a lot, and it’s all super good. Great one liners. John Malchovich, John Turturro and Alan Tudyk offer up great cameos. The best however without a doubt goes to Ken Jeong. So fucking funny and weird… and weird. So weird. Ken plays Jerry “Deep” Wang, a very suspicious and paranoid fellow employee of Sam. Honestly I might go see this again just for the action and Ken Jeong’s performance. I love you Ken Jeong.

Now about that action…

I used to kind of always make fun of Micheal Bay. I mean dude can hold a camera and blow shit up but most of his movies have always been a a little laughable to me. Over the top, unbelievable, silly. Dark of the Moon is his best effort yet by far. The one thing that sets this apart from the other Transformer movies is SPEED. They slowed that SHIT DOWN. When the autobots are fucking up the decepticons the action is slowed down so that you can really see and understand all the mechanical mayhem that’s unfolding before you. And it’s done in such a way that really compliments the movie experience. I was blown away with the clarity and smoothness of the fight scenes. Buildings being torn apart by a DUNE-esque worm decepticon, being controlled by the almighty SHOCKWAVE!!!, Transformers pulled limb from limb in mid air. Heads exploded. Amazing chase sequences. People diving out of buildings and crashing aircrafts. Robot blood spewing from gigantic robot blade induced wounds.

Go see this movie, now. I know some people won’t agree with this review. It’s cool, I get it. All I’m saying is leave yr ego at home. Call up a couple friends and go see this movie. Maybe smoke a joint first..

Oh and Megan Fox isn’t in it. Thank God, she’s awful.

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